Of Flamethrowers and Butterflies
by Colwyn
Summary: The comparison of Fang to a butterfly, how not to greet a Flyboy, and the misuse of college funds, all contained in one crack-packed list of how to badger, vex, and generally harass the Flock. Rated T for copious amounts of humour.
1. May the Force Be With You

Chapter 1: May the Force Be With You

Omega's 'obvious hottness' is not a pragmatic reason to keep him alive.

No matter what Nudge says.

Flyboys are not Obi-Wan Kenobi in beta form. Welcoming them with, 'May the force be with you,' is neither an acceptable nor intelligent way of greeting the assassins out to kill you.

I will not question how Max's left hand can now work. Logic and biology don't matter. They just don't, damn it!

The White Coats, AKA the men with giant needles, are looking for the Flock because they are mutants who need to be 'put-down'.

Not because I am travelling with them.

No matter what the government tells you.

Giving the Uber-Director the 'Most similar to a Hamster-Home' award, while hilarious, will do nothing to extend my life expectancy.

Note to self: 'Bird-Brain' is not a name that Max responds well too.

Neither is Wither Wings, or Buckbeak.

I will not loudly yell, "Oh my God, did you see that, Iggy!

A/N: Feel free to review with suggestions for the list!


	2. Chewbaccas Shall Rule the World

**Chapter 2: And Chewbaccas Shall Rule the World!**

I will not let Angel anywhere near the UN, G-20 meetings, or any world leaders after having convinced her that Chewbacca's should rule the world.

I will not tell Gazzy that when at school in Virginia, telling his teacher 'They found me...I had to leave the country!' is a viable excuse for being late for class.

I will not advise Angel to do her maths homework in roman numerals under the reason, 'It'll make your teachers proud!'

Jumping out of school windows in front of the flock and in the hopes of growing wings is an incredibly dangerous and moronic thing I will never do.

...Again.

I will not take advantage of Angel's mind control by bringing her to the CIA/FBI/MI-6 director and having her demand to, 'Give me the secret documents!'

If Max happens to ask if I see anything, especially with numbers, on her neck, I will refrain saying 'Yeah. Hicky. And they certainly are in numbers.'

Angel does not have to ability to see the future; therefore I will stop asking her what next weeks lottery numbers are.

Tweety, Donald Duck, and Woodstock are not bird-teen porn.

I will not accuse Fang of harbouring bird-teen porn.

Even if he does.

Especially if he does.

**A/N:** Anyone want FAX humour? If so, review? Or you, just review if you liked it


	3. Narnia is Not in my Closet

Chapter 3: Narnia is not in My Closet.

The reason Fang cowardly split from Max and the whole saving the world plan was not because he is grafted with chicken DNA.

An Eraser is villainous, transforming wolf assassin, not the 'squishy pink thing' on the back of your pencil.

Fax is the lovey-dovey combo of Fang and Max, not the grey office machine in your husband's office you keep sending divorce papers to.

Max and Ari do not share a 'certain resemblance' and it is misguided to tell them so.

When Max refers to expiration dates, she does not mean the date on the milk carton.

Likewise, I will not tell her the expiration date is the date on the back of the milk carton.

I will not bedazzle any articles of clothing Max owns.

For the perpetual list of reasons of which there are not enough hours in the day to list.

And of course, claiming that Erasers, Mr Chu, and/or Narnia is in my closet will again, do nothing to help the Flocks view of my mentality.


	4. Bedtime Stories

Chapter 4: Bedtime Stories

Just because Max hears voices in her head does not mean she needs to be taken to the psyche ward.

Similarly, I will stop driving Max to the psyche ward.

I will not casually suggest to Max that force feeding Ari Professor Lupin's wolfsbane potion and/or okra could potentially stop his transformation as this is mindless and will never work.

I will not assert the White Coats are actually men with giant needles with very obvious reasons to be tracking the Flock. *Cough, pyschos, Cough*

On my honour, I will try; To save the world from the apocalypse.

The bird droppings on my car are really bird droppings, not Avian-

American droppings. Insisting that they are Avian-American droppings is unwise.

I will not tell Ari that being in love with his half-sister at age 7 is mind-blowingly sick and suggest electro-shock therapy as treatment.

Playing fetch with Ari is not a good way to waste time. Because on the

off chance you are playing fetch with him, your time is very limited.

I will not read slash-fics and read them as bedtime stories for the younger of the flock. Just...just no.


	5. Gozen and Animal Control

Chapter 5: Fangs Wings are Not Purple

I will not loudly exclaim what a beautiful shade of purple Fang's wings are.

I will not make scrambled eggs for breakfast and then insist on the Flock's cannibalism

Iggy is blind, not deaf; therefore I will not make lewd comments about his 'sexy ass'.

I will not ask Max (at least in front of the flock) if Fang is good in bed.

I will not hand Iggy the blue wire when he asks for the red one, as that will not and cannot end well.

Calling animal control on Gozen is a terrible idea as it will result in several deaths and a few hospital trips.

...Right, so what's the number again?

Putting tin-foil around my head will not do anything to deter Angel's mind-reading powers.

Doing the above will only put to question my current physiological state.

Again.


	6. Fang is not a Butterfly

Chapter 6: Fang is not a butterfly

I will not describe Fang's flying as 'fairy-like', or compare him to a

butterfly.

I will not Use Gazzy's mimicking abilities to record 'Obama' confessing to a deep love armadillos as I am in enough legal trouble as it is.

I will not ask Fang for my eyeliner back as he did not take it.

He has his own.

The above applies for my skinny jeans and hair gel.

Filling water balloons with kool-aid, orange juice, and/or toxic waste is strictly prohibited...unless they're used on Gazzy. 'Cause God knows that child needs a bath.

During long flights, I will not repeatedly ask Max 'Are we there yet?' as I prefer my jaw attached.

Max does not think Fang is gay, and it would be unwise to tell him so.

I will restrain myself from packing bird-seed cakes as snacks for the Flock.

I will not write tomorrows date on the back of Fangs neck while he is sleeping as that is just plain cruel.

But that does not mean I won't tell The Gasman otherwise.


	7. Flying Enchiladas

Chapter 7: Max is not a Flying Enchilada

If I have any sense at all, I will not play poker with Angel.

But if I do happen to, I will not use my college funds.

I will not accuse Iggy of looking at bird-people porn. This is pointless as

he cannot see.

I will not attempt to communicate in sign language with Iggy. Again, this is pointless as he cannot see.

I will not claim that Iggy — %&*#$ , he cannot see!

The Flyboys theme song is not "Gotta catch 'em all!"

And I will stop insisting on this.

I will not sell Celeste on eBay.

No matter how bad I'm dying for some cash.

Just because Max is Hispanic does not give me a liable reason to call her a flying enchilada.

A/N: Reviews would be appreciated!


	8. Flamethrowers and Trix Cereal

Chapter 8: Trix Cereal and Flamethrowers

I will not call Total, Toto, or ask him why were not in Kansas anymore.

I will not call Fang Goth.

Because he is clearly Emo.

I will not ask Nudge to hack into government files just to change my maths grade.

Or my SAT scores for that matter.

I will not send Total flying into walls with a laser pointer. He has had enough brain damage already.

Feeding Gazzy beans is strictly prohibited for obvious reason that the government has enough toxic waste sites to deal with.

I will not hog the Trix cereal with the excuse, 'Silly birdies, Trix are for kids!'

I will not consider dying my hair red and then begin heavily flirting with Fang

Flamethrowers should be kept well out of the reach of Gazzy and Iggy, unless I find waking up a pile of ashes amusing.

Which I don't.


	9. Let the Faxness Ensue

Chapter 9: Let the Faxness Ensue!

I will not hack on to Fangs blog and confess his love for Max in a very sappy and gushy-mushy heartfelt poem.

Or comic strip, no matter how many times Gazzy asks.

I will not show Fang Miggy-Fic's, as it will most likely result in a painful unconsciousness for several days.

But if I do decided on the above, then it is always wise to keep a handful of Fangirl's at arms.

If I value my life, I will not loudly comment on the strange noises coming from Fang's room last night.

I will not superglue poster-sized images of Fang 'doin stuff' with the Red-Head-Wonder to every door in the house.

Similarly, I will not post those images on Fangs blog if I place any value in my sanity.

Which no matter what my therapist tells you, is not lacking.

I will not suggest to Max that the best way to pay off her Master card is with her Visa, just so I can pay for my monthly spa outing.

Fang does not wear guyliner. He just has naturally thick eyelashes.

Moreover, I will not hug him and say "I can squeeze you tighter than your jeans!"


	10. KaBoom

Chapter 10: KaBoom! ...Oh, shit.

I will not let loose Iggy/Gazzy in my Uncles fireworks warehouse.

Nor shall I sneakily pass them sticks of dynamite to insert in the oven when Max is 'cooking'.

Having Gazzy and Iggy set the kitchen on fire and setting off a possibly nuclear blast in the sitting room would be redundant, and I will not convince them otherwise.

Locking Gazzy in my closet as punishment for anything 'sink bomb' related is counter-productive and will probably result in the disposal of my summer wardrobe.

Although it is ridiculously easy to 'misspell' Iggy, Icky, I will refrain from doing so.

I will not give Iggy random items of clothing and tell him it's a hat and/or a belt.

Gazzy's 'Powers of Flatulence' are only to be used to good. No matter how evil they may seem.

I will not ask Gazzy to mimic 'Luke, I am your father' as he is not likely to ever stop.

I will not explain to Gazzy what landmines are. I very much like my limbs attached.

I will stop making references to Gazzy's 'wind issues' no matter how entertaining it may be.

And no matter what, I will not show this list to Angel.

...There's is no need for more than one Apocalypse.


End file.
